When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
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You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
LA today:
My neck my back my allergy attack
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.