@ForeverHairy: When people say they work like a dog, I look at mine and think they must mean they just lay around all day and poop wherever they feel like.
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@LoveNLunchmeat: So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage... But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
@dyldonot: [girl brings me back to her apartment] her: come to bed me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
@LoriLuvsShoes: A CW told me for the 50th time that her baby learned how to walk so I told her"if you really wanna impress me lmk when it learns how to fly"