Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
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my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
fly smarter, not harder
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”