@TheTweetOfGod: When people say "To be honest...", it means that up to that point they've been lying.
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@SaraMansford: Dear karma: perhaps we could be partners? You're doing great work, but I've identified a bunch of people you've overlooked.
@JDBooie: TSA training manager: "What would you do upon finding a kilo of cocaine?" ME: "A lot of cocaine."
@Kyle_Lippert: The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
@TheMichaelRock: It's sad that we live in a world where we'll add a word to the dictionary if stupid people use it enough.