When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
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My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass