When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
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it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life