This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
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Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
I’ve had worse
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?