When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
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Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high