Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
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me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
Ok but actually
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
What even happened today?
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?