If looks could kill
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today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.