When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
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i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.