When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
You Might Also Like
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
When I said I liked it rough.
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.