When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
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Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
4: Let鈥檚 go to back Target, we can get the Pok茅mon stuff
Me: But you don鈥檛 have any more money
4: That鈥檚 okay, we can use your money
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there鈥檚 someone for everybody.
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don鈥檛 know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600鈥檚: and they鈥檙e called dortios?
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I鈥檒l take it.
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 馃く OMG yes! Now you have my attention
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
Everyone鈥檚 a badass until Mufasa dies.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog鈥檚 piano recitals.
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’