When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
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I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
All set.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed