When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
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Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
We like the way Dwight thinks
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
Effort made
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.