@GreenishDuck: When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
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@KattsDogma: [New Job Diary] Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
@SteveSuckington: [therapy] WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
@3sunzzz: If you can't get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can't hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
@markydoodoo: Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole? Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can't be that.