When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
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For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
welcome back
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich