When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
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good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!