@Sassafrantz: When people stay in a horrific relationship instead of breaking up, I assume they killed someone together.
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@AndyAsAdjective: BOSS: why were you late? ME: [thinking back to filling each waffle trap with the exact same amount of syrup] traffic
@JasonCarney31: *sets up booth, hangs up sign "$5 Mustache Rides!" *nobody shows up. I knew I shouldn't have named the damn pony 'mustache'
@trentistweeting: The amount of tinder matches I've gotten has skyrocketed since I changed my interests from "Murdering" to "Not Murdering"