@Sassafrantz: When people stay in a horrific relationship instead of breaking up, I assume they killed someone together.
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@VaguelyFunnyDan: When I saw "likes music" on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
@TheMongoose69: When I push a door that clearly says pull, it serves as a harsh reminder that I'd make a terrible midwife.
@primawesome: Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died? Me: Damnit Facebook not now. FB: Sorry... FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
@hazelmotes1: Me: my best friend is my wife Everyone: awwww My Best Friend Carl: FOR THE LAST TIME, I AM NOT YOUR WIFE