When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
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The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
never deleting this app.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
Make new friends? bro out of what?
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.