@Elizasoul80: When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
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@DadandBuried: I'm more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say "uh-oh!" from another room.
@IntrepidDeviant: *Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that's my girlfriend.
@Underchilde: I hate it when I have lots of visitors but only enough chloroform for one and have to use it on myself.