I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
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How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.