Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
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13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Happy Friday
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.