[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
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Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
They say women only use 10% of their anger
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all