When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
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Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
My first child will be named New Folder.
Birds & Planes.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.