When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
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[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
Hey! This isn’t my car!
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
Godspeed, John Glenn
any last words?
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?