@WilliamRodgers: When people tell me "You're gonna regret that in the morning" I sleep in til noon, because I'm a problem Solver
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@notalogin: Guy: What do you do? Me: I tell jokes on Twitter G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself? Me: I tell myself that they're good jokes
@weinerdog4life: Last time I did drugs I dated an All-In-One Printer for 3 days, so no thank you.
@kumailn: [God making trees] God: "They're alive but not. Every now & then they drop food." Angel: "I don't--" God: "Also they breathe the opposite."
@AimeeHelene1: Me: You won't believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza. Him: M: *looks down* *sees pepperoni all over*