When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
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Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
(yawn)
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.