When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
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Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.