When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
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Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!