When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
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Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit