When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
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18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her itâs how she knows every 80âs soft hit.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
Nice car! Iâll bet it goes fast!Aww â and youâre getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? Iâm not opposed â but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time Iâm saying it lady, youâre under arrest.
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
letâs hear it for plates that are bowls
âHowâd that happen, Bill?â
âI donât know.â
âReally?â
âYeah, Iâm just stumped.â
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests đ
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like âIâm just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activitiesâ and it starts out âfirst, spatchcock a whole chicken.â
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains