When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
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first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”