When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
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super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
I have obtained a hat
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.