When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
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MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
Fixed this for Shakespeare
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
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Hi