When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
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4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
Optional boss fight.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
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