@YesImMatt: When people's driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
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@evanrhorne: As a father of girls, I think the best interview method for potential suitors will be: "Let me see your phone"
@daemonic3: Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad? "I don't know, how would I know?" GF: I'm pregnant! "Hi Pregnant, I'm... OH MY GOD I'M READY"
@PaperWash: me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove] robber: why are u wearing a glove me: I meant to grab my bat lol robber: lol
@theSwellMan: Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.