@YesImMatt: When people's driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
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@timdonakowski: If I ever meet someone who's been in a coma since 2004, I'm trying to sell them a USB drive for $150.
@SteveKoehler22: She gets stoked after reading: "Big strapping boxer" on dating site But soon discovers he's a 475 lb. guy working in shipping at Amazon.
@WheelTod: Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it's always the same damn advice: "Lay off the methamphetamine."
@HavocMantis: Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn't, it'd be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.