When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
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Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.