@michaelianblack: When Pink Floyd sings, "just another brick in the wall," it's a little bit demeaning to bricks.
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@TheMichaelRock: God: One last thing before I let you in. Let's look at your Google search history. Me: I'll show myself out.
@hrtbps: Interviewer: So when did you decide you wanted to be a sumo wrestler? Me: When someone tried to get me onto the dancefloor at a wedding.
@McSwtrvst: *genie appears* I wish I was rich! GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH ok!—wait what? FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS