@numbertze: When playing tug of war with a 2yo, it's best to remember they're pulling really really hard and holy shit they travel fast when you let go
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@iamk1ts: All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn't eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
@LindaInDisguise: My kid is almost old enough for social media so we'll need to have "the talk" soon. You know, about your/you're and their/there/they're.
@GashleyMadison: I love playing catch with my dogs when I'm drunk, because I don't have dogs when I'm sober.
@Arbitral: Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.