I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
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Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
R.I.P.
*performs CPR on the turkey*
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”