My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
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If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
Pigeon open mic night.