@nerdreign: When runner-ups in reality shows say, "I may not have won but I'm still a winner," do they understand how language and/or competition works?
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@iwearaonesie: [laying in bed] wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up? me: Yes *sound of TV crashing to the floor* me: No
@bourgeoisalien: don't usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: "lift with a straight back!" it felt good
@ohheyohhihello: Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, "car bidet."