Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
You Might Also Like
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community