When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
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Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Owl Sanctuary
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader鈥檚 constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
Me: I really shouldn鈥檛 be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that鈥檚 weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 馃檮馃槄 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 馃グ馃挄
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
[noticing that the girl i鈥檓 talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you鈥檝e won a super bowl
My kid鈥檚 superpower is finding the one show that isn鈥檛 streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?