When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
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My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah