When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
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Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.