When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
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SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
This checks out
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.