When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
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something like this could probably happen to anyone
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
plant them where lol
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.