When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
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Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS