When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
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“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.