When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
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How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.