When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
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Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.