@PaulyPeligroso: When skinny girls say "I'm so fat" to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
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@Tmoney68: [Jews being led out of Egypt] Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn't just stop & ask directions? Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
@Parkerlawyer: 6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, "Why are you SO FAT?" Me, "You're inside my tummy." 6, "That's DISGUSTING." Me, "It gets worse.."
@PJTLynch: Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
@KrazykurtKurt: Job interview: "what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date" "I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning"