@PaulyPeligroso: When skinny girls say "I'm so fat" to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
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@Parentpains: If six years of marriage has taught me anything its that couches are surprisingly comfortable to sleep on.
@robdelaney: Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We're all crying. It's awesome.
@mydmac: I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It's only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.