When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
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I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*