When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
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Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!